小姿走了

小姿走了,希望她在天堂不再有病痛......
4号星期二早上陪五去和信做第五次化療,回到五家快5點了,小姿剛吸完氣,趴在地上無法站起來,喘的不得了.
6點我帶她急赴專心診所,醫生一看她情况,馬上急救,心臟病,肺積水,瀕臨休克......
我站在手朮台旁,撫摸著她,拿著氧氣管希望她多吸一些,看著身旁三,四位醫生忙著找血管,打點滴.....
眼淚就不由自主的流个不停了........
想起14年前harry在六家,等著我們抵達,拖著蹣跚的腳步上樓,到他的窩裏一看,已吐的令人心驚.....
雖然已14年了,但還清晰感受到他沈重的身軀在我身上,在去醫院的路上......
平時調皮的身子靜靜躺在枱子上,只有一双眼晴不捨的看著我們,我, jon和 ken.....
我們沒有再見到他了......
14年了,不敢再養狗......
直到娃娃.....
想到有一天我也要送走娃娃,生離死別又要受一次,又豈僅是傷心而已?

cruise

感謝大哥請我們二人這番豪華旅程做為我們結婚25週年紀念.
第一次的cruise回憶淨是美好.
豪華舒適的房間,陽臺.
五星級的享受.
美食,華服,娛樂樣樣頂級.
岸上旅遊景點安排得宜.
天氣也幫忙,真是沒有一絲一毫可complain.
如果船上internet如同在陸上,
我真可以一輩子不下來囉.

無題

前天是五第三次化療,一半已撐過,剩下3次祈望一切順利.想到8月初得知罹癌的慌亂,心急,到9月邁向令人膽戰心驚的小紅莓,加上白血球不夠的困擾,跌跌撞撞的也安然渡過了每一次的關卡,祈求上天持續保佑五,保佑她順利成功的完成所有療程,從此健康開心的過每一天.
今早和ian去見counselor mrs. mcdonald,他的english credit可能有些問題,希望能找到最好解決方法.
這幾天想了許多,總覺得我還要盡力,雖然不一定有用,但想到如果我也不管了,那ian不是真的沒機會了?我不能放棄.這又讓我想起當初六和楊鬧離婚時,我曾想過如果當初我早早就知道他們之間的問題,在問題還未到不可收拾地步之前,如果我可以居間幫忙,是不是有一絲絲機會?因為有時機會過了就不再有了.現在對ian我又有同樣的感受,我實在不想以後回想起扼腕....我會試的, i have to try even the trying will be in vain at the end, but i won't regret......

無常

人世間的無常莫過於這十天中間所感受到的一切吧.由8/8父親節那天五的話語"我不能去美國了","我得了癌症","乳癌",由电話那端傳來開始,直到今早到和信接她出院,短短11天我們歷經了震驚,不相信,接受,到坦然.陪著五走過這驚濤駭浪的10天,看到她的堅強,也欣慰她有奚的毫不保留的支持,知道未來不論是康莊大道或是崎嶇小徑,他們都会携手同行的.而我自己也可感受到這10天中的成長,参透了人世間的無常,對未來只有更坦然以對吧.

Mitch Albom's Three Books

i've finished reading his three books, for one more day, tuesdays with morrie and the five people you meet in heaven. thanks to jon, it was him letting me restore the joy of reading which i've forgotten for quite a long time.
mitch albom is such a great writer. i seldom read english books, but with his 细腻的笔触, i was totally emerged into the world he created. through his writing, 我看见人性的光辉.
jon asked which one i like the best. i have to say it's really hard to choose since these three books are very different. the five people you meet in heaven is a fascinating novel, you cannot move your eyes from this book while you're reading it. for me, it's a great novel and that's it. regarding the other two, i have to say i like them both so much and cannot tell which one is my better love. just like i cannot tell which son i like better. these two books are different, from my point of view. tuesdays with morrie is a book full of wisdom of a great person, i cried so much when i was reading the book. i have to say maybe it's because i read this book with the age i am now. i can relate so many things and so many experiences from those wisdom words. as to other book, for one more day, i read this book first and i love it so much. this book reminds me of the movie i like the best, field of dreams. i was touched deeply by those touching feeling either in the movie or in the book. for me, the above two books are the symbol of sense and sensibility, you need both to make you a human being.
jon said he likes tuesdays with morrie and ken likes for one more day the best. quite funny, this showed the difference of their characteristic. jon is a more 理性and ken is more 感性. it's hard to imagine that jon will be a 理性的人 when he was young, but gradually he developed into this catagory. on the contrary, it's really difficult to know that ken is a 感性的人 , maybe it's because he is an engineer and he was trained to be 理性. but i always remind myself that ken is a cancer, he has the softest heart with hard shell.
i'm glad that through these two books, i touched inside of my two boys' hearts. i relate many things to their thoughts aslo to mine. so i cannot tell you which one i like better........i believe when jon and ken reach to my age, they will say the same thing since they need both sense and sensibility to make them complete.

Four Of Us

this thought just came to me....four of us actually haven't gotten too much time being together alone for the past 22 years (ken will be 22 years old soon). joe was always the absent one when they were little. cannot blame him since he had work to do. after they went to lawrenceville, it seemed we had limited time just four of us being together alone. actually i just realize this now.
we were at jon's place for the last 10 days, just four of us. we had lots of things to do because jon moved his apartment from studio to one bedroom. although there were so many things needed to be done, jon and ken handled it well. watch them two brothers interact, remind me of them when they were little. they always fought with talks, but with their nonstop argument, their relationship has gone better and better. this is our blessing since we have these two beloved brothers.
i will treasure every moment of four of us being alone, because i know that this kind of moment will be less and less and even no more......this is the path every parents will experience. in the meantime, i'll treasure every moment with jon......joe and ken went back to taipei and only jon and i are still here, just two of us.

Ken's Graduation

it has been over three weeks since ken's graduation. we all went to his engineering school graduation on 5/14 and three of us, joe, jessica and i went to his commencement two days after. in terms of my own feeling, there is a slightly difference from what i had last year with jon's graduation. i attended jon's graduation with joy and proudness just like i did when they both graduated from lawrenceville. just pure joy and proudness. but with ken's graduation, there is something more.....hard to describe what it is. maybe it's because i've seen how hard he worked throughout past four years and he has never been that kind of person, maybe it's because i knew EE is not his best interest, maybe it's because i knew he tried his best to overcome all the difficulties he faced everyday in the class, in the lab and during exams.....although i've always known he can do it, still he is not a genius in this EE area. but he did it. he did it with descent grade. so, besides joy and proudness, there must be something more in my own feeling toward his graduation, maybe it's 心疼......
i could only hope he will find his own joy and satisfaction with his job or even further education. i can only say that no matter what he will do, he will do it good........

我們的乖宝

從沒想到在1993年harry在LA走後,又有一隻超級可愛又乖的小狗走入我和老公的生命中.i love dogs, ever since when i was very young, dogs were always in my life. i still remember that white 狐狸狗 named ginger when i was only in primary school in taichung. then a small cute little dog named 小小 when i was in college in taipei, he died at a very young age. after that a big 球球 came, i still remember the day he got lost, mom went out to look for him......mom kept looking for him for few days and we didn't see him ever since. 之後家中又有了狗弟在東海撿的流浪狗宝貝,他活了最久,可能土狗天性較堅韌,不像前几隻純種狗的嬌嫰.五和狗弟大概是我們六人之中最愛狗的,他們二人沒有間斷過養狗.我一直到了1991年....when i heard joseph, jon and ken went to the breeder to look for puppy, i was quite mad. i did not want to have a dog at our house at that time, i was already very busy with two boys, i don't want to have any extra work in my life......but when i saw those little dachshunds, i had to agree with them.......finally we had harry. now i look back, although harry only lived for two and half years, he brought endless joy to our family. especially to jon and ken, at that time, they were only six, seven years old, harry was definitely their best pal. 相信無論他們到多大,在他們心中harry永遠佔有一个重要地位,因為在他們的童年曾有一隻可愛的小腊腸狗.....joseph and i decided not to have dogs after harry died. that kind of heartbroken feeling was unbearable........almost 14 years past, this 娃娃 came to our lives. 我們两人所有的愛毫不保留的投注在這隻又乖又可愛的宝貝上了.她已老了,又有病,不知有多少將來,但我只知她是我們永遠的乖宝.

thankful

和李慧心同遊香港返,三十多年的朋友即使中間二十多年疏於連絡,但年少時建立的情誼是永遠歷久彌新.
她提及young people in taiwan nowdays are lack of responsibilities, 他們以享樂為主,即使家庭狀况不好也不管,累及父母辛辛苦苦見不到指望,所以她覺得好奇的是我二个兒子為何会如此懂事. what should i say? i should thank God for giving me two such good sons. i have never expected they will become who they are today. i dare not say we the parents are the "cuases", actually, they became who they are because they worked hard, tried hard and they earned everything by themselves. all we had to do was support them without any doubt. 永不停止的支持.
回首往事,我們母子之间也有過許多的爭執, especially with jon, but now the relationship between me and jon is much beyond just mother and son, we just like friends with lots lots of memories.....
jon and ken are two totally different person, we had numerous fights, but through those conflicts, we understand each other more. ken very seldom had fight with me, but we understand each other so well..... our thinking logic is the same. so i understand why he do that while other people think he is so weird......he always looks cool, but i know deep in his heart, he got the most tender and softest heart.......
i'm thankful because i have them.........

great news from jon

jon called this morning and said he got full scholarship for next school year plus fifteen thousand living expense. what a great news! 不是為了money,而是這个代表的意義.jon曾經是一帆風順的,由小学到初中,再到lawrenceville都是順利的毫無阻碍,不像ken,ken一路走來是有一段bumpy road的.但在jon申請大学時就開始有了小挫折,之後的law school的大挫折,這几年來似乎並非太順,所以今早這个消息真是太令人高兴了,因為我知道he needs it. 為他高兴也為他驕傲.他个性強,不服輸,但又有个大缺點,懶.所以他需要一些外在因素來encourage他.他小的時候我可以做他的推手,他現在己是个成年人,需要一个更聰明,更有能力的推手了,白芃或許是答案.